My Angel
by Cas-stole-my-pen
Summary: Cas is gone. Dean has a breakdown.


Cas was gone. He walked into that lake, full to bursting with souls. All that came back out was a black slime-stained trenchcoat. The souls the angel previously held had all scattered for different corners of the world. Dean was sure they would see them again but he wasn't so sure about the angel. The only way out for those trapped souls was surely his demise. Without a word, he crouched to pick up the trench coat and walked back to his baby. She would make a good safekeeping spot for this treasure. Shortly after, Sam followed his brother's trail to the impala. When he tried to speak Dean cut him off. "Say it and I'll break your fuckin' nose." Sam heard the promise and pain in his brother's voice so he kept quiet. With nothing left to do that day, they drove back to their crappy motel room in silence. Dean usually took comfort in the near uniform crappiness of each motel they stayed in, but now it felt like the worst place on earth and he couldn't understand why. Anyone else could see he was mourning someone so close to him.

XVX

The next morning, Dean could hardly get out of bed. It took a huge physical effort to make his body move. This was no different than any other day he told himself, can't let Sammy see me like this, gotta be strong. Aching from the effort to move, Dean stumbled into the bathroom, maybe a shower would help. He stripped and set the shower without much thought but once under the spray his emotions leaked out. Tears flooded from his eyes, mingling with the warm water. He mourned his friend and any semblance of happiness he had. After the shower dried, dressed, and still completely drained Dean put on his mask to face the day. They still had leviathan to stop somehow. Sam looked up from his laptop as his brother entered the main living space. A frown creased his brow and sadness tinged his eyes. Dean avoided eye contact and got straight to business.

"So where do we start now?"

"Dean..."

"Sam I warned you!" Dean's voice shook with rage and menace at his little brother.

Sam straightened and answered "fine" in a clipped tone. "We need to figure out where the pipes in the lake go to."

XVX

Every day was about the same, Dean nearly crippled by grief, Sam trying to help, and Dean snapping at him before they got to work on whatever case they had at the moment. This went on for months. Every day Dean prayed it was a bad dream. Sam constantly wondered when his brother might finally lose it.

XVX

The day Dean finally lost it started exactly the same, no hint of what was to come. They had a possible demon possession to investigate. After half a day's work their suspicions were confirmed. They returned to the impala to grab a few things for an exorcism when they were ambushed by a gang of black eyed beings.

At first the brothers were able to hold their own, each fight off multiple assailants at once but they slowly fell behind. First Sam was caught about the ankles by a demon he had knocked down. Then, Dean being the protective big brother he is, he lunged for the demon crawling atop Sam. It turned out to be their near fatal flaw. The pack of demons swarmed the fallen brothers. Blood flowed freely from all involved but mostly from Dean. At some point his head cracked against the pavement. The blood oozed over his brother down to the ground beneath them. Satisfied they had done their job, the demons fled. Black smoke poured from silently screaming mouths and filled the sky leaving unconscious meatsuits thrown about. One of them slowly came to. With blurred vision all the woman saw was the pools of blood. She called 911 immediately. Paramedics soon arrived to cart everyone off to the hospital.

XVX

Sam awoke in the hospital bed dazed. His head felt as if it was full of fuzz and white noise. It took him several minutes to work out where he was and why. Once he figured it out, the fuzz cleared some and panic set in. He screamed for his brother. A frantic nurse ran into his room.  
"Where's my brother?!" He roared at her.  
"You're awake!"  
"I am- where's Dean?!" his words were slurred but the urgency was still readable.  
"Sir I don't know who that is. We don't have names for anyone you came in with."  
"I have to find him!" Sam threw the covers off ready to yank out all the IV's and tubes that ran out of his body to the machines around him. As he attempted to sit up he tilted too far, nearly falling out of bed.  
"Sir!" The nurse barely caught the massive man. Sam steadied himself against the short woman and the rails on his bed. Even though he was able to stop his fall he could not stop the shakes that were racking through his body.

"Tell me who you are and we can find your brother." The nurse spoke sharp but calm to hold the gigantic man's fuzzy attention.  
"O-okay. I'm Sam Winchester. My brother is Dean Winchester." It did not occur to Sam to use any aliases as was their habit on a case. His words were slowly becoming more intelligible.  
The nurse scribbled down the names.  
"How old are you Mr. Winchester?"  
"28. And my brother is 32."  
"Do you know what happened to you?"  
"I..." Sam started. He remembered it all but knew those people were innocent pawns used by demons. Not wanting to get them in legal trouble "I don't." He finished.  
"What does your brother look like? You were brought in with several other young men."  
"Um, he's shorter than me. Green eyes. Spiked dark brown hair. Always wears this necklace of a face with horns I guess, oh and a leather jacket."  
The nurse frowned before speaking. From Sam's description she was sure his brother was the one who incurred the most damage. He was not doing well.  
"I believe I know which man you're talking about."  
Sam quickly sat up.  
"I will tell you but you must remain in bed. Are we clear?"  
"Y-yes!" Sam settled back again the pillows in his too small hospital bed.  
"I believe your brother took the brunt of the attack. He was found lying across you. We had a hard time telling where his injuries were at first due to all the blood. It seems as if his skull was cracked along with a few ribs. The rest was bruising and superficial cuts."  
By the time the nurse had finished speaking the color had drained from Sam's face.

"Is…is." Sam swallowed, mouth suddenly desert dry "Is my brother dead?"

" , he survived." The nurse assured the stricken man in her care.

Sam's whole body seemed to deflate as he relaxed back again.

"But he is in critical condition." The nurse continued "The doctor put your brother in a medically induced come until the swelling goes down. We aren't sure how long that will take, maybe a few days or a week. But he should pull through."

"I need to see him." Sam demanded.

"You are in no condition to be moving about."

"I'm fine! I need to see my brother!" Sam yelled.

"You can see your brother after we make sure you are well enough to make that trip." Sam's fit had not fazed the nurse at all.

"How long will that take?" His tone reminded the nurse of how her son would whine about his chores.

"Less time if you don't argue with me." A small smile lit up her face.

"Fine." Sam spoke petulantly but allowed the nurse to check him over. She checked his vitals, bandages, pain levels and his functioning. By the time she was done the rest of the drug induced fogginess had worn off and the pain was creeping in. As soon as he got to see his brother he was planning on asking for something to dull the pain.

"Alright, Mr. Winchester. You look well enough to see your brother." Sam immediately began tearing the sheets and blankets off him. "But!" The nurse's sharp tone stopped him "You will have to go in a wheelchair." Sam opened his mouth to protest. The nurse held up a hand to stop him. "It's just a precaution. You have been in bed for days. We don't want you to fall and be hurt any worse."

Sam deflated. He saw that this women would not cave. He agreed so he could get to his brother.

XVX

Dean lay stone still in the hospital bed. He looked so small in it, dwarfed by all the machines. Tubes seemed to run from every part of his body. Each one helped keep him alive. Dean's body was covered by bright white sheets pulled tight from mid-chest down, with his arms over the blankets. One of the machines beeped steadily, monitoring his heartbeat. Sam could hardly breathe, seeing his brother like this. Tears immediately spilled down his cheeks.

Sam sat in his wheelchair for hours refusing to leave his brothers side for anything. When nightfall rolled around a new nurse came in to check on Dean. She stopped when she saw Sam hunched over his brothers bedside.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize you were in here, but visiting hours are over."

Sam didn't acknowledge her until he felt a hand on his shoulder.

"Sir?" she asked gently "I'm afraid you have to leave now."

When Sam turned to face her she gasped as the ugly bruises across his face and neck.

"Are you a patient here?"

Sam nodded.

"Alright let's get you back to your room. How long have you been in here?"

"I'm not leaving my brother." Sam growled at the woman.

"Sir, it's no good for you to sit here and hurt yourself more. Please rest and come back in the morning when you wake up."

"NO! You can bring me a bed in here or leave me alone but I am NOT leaving my brother AGAIN!" Fury raged inside Sam. The nurse darted from the room, shocked by the outburst. Eventually another nurse came in to try again, unsuccessfully, to convince Sam to return to his own bed. That attempt was also met with another outburst. AS long as no one tried to make him move, Sam was quiet and did not interfere with any of the nurses or doctors who were in and out of Dean's room every hour or two.

He dozed fitfully in the wheelchair, waking every time he heard the slightest noise near them. In the morning he awoke to the first nurse he spoke to in his own room.

"Good morning, Mr. Winchester. I see you haven't moved from your brother's side."

"And I'm not going to." There was a glint of menace in his eyes.

"Oh, I'm not here to try and make you. I heard from the night nurses you are very set on being here. I've come to tell you we are moving a bed in here so you can at least sleep in a bed."

The tension in Sam's shoulders fell immediately.

"Thank you. I just can't be away from him. He's died before—well nearly died before. I can't go through that again. I have to be here." The nurse could hear the pain in his voice.

"It will be cramped in here with the two of you but you will be together."

"Thank you." Sam repeated.

The nurse left the room without another word.

XVX

For the next few days, Sam moved back and forth between the small chair near Dean's bedside and his own bed, only leaving his brothers side to use the bathroom. He refused to go to the dining hall to eat so nurses began bringing food to him. Even when they did he ate very little, only picking at what they gave him.

XVX

In the afternoon as Sam dozed in his chair, he dreamed dean's voice. It was so realistic he woke with a start. It wasn't a dream! Dean was awake! He was barely whispering but he was definitely awake now.

"Dean!" Sam shouted.

"Water." Dean's voice cracked form disuse. Sam helped his brother drink slowly from a cup next to him. Despite the slow pace Dean still choked on the water. His coughing fit brought a nurse running. Seeing their comatose patient awake she yelled for a doctor and began checking over his vitals. Despite being awake Dean had no clue what was going on around him. His breaths began coming in rapid succession, with each one his chest jumped. His eyes darted around the room then back to his brother. He repeated this pattern, before the screaming began. Each sound relayed immense pain.

"DEAN!" Sam gripped his brother by the shoulders trying to center him. "Dean! You are safe! You are okay! Please!" As Sam's words morphed into sobs Deans own screams transformed into words.

"Demons! All of you! Fuckin black eyes bitches! Get your hands off me! Ill kills you all!" His threats echoed clear down the hall to the nurse's station. Several nurses and a doctor ran into the room. They all did their best to pin Dean to the bed but all that did was encourage his screams and flailing. The doctor had brought in a mystery syringe with him. He was reluctant to use in until he saw the extent of Deans delusional rants. He shouted over all the noise for the nurses to help him. With one particularly violent movement Dean rolled onto his side. The nurses used his own momentum to flip him over. The doctor quickly injected the liquid into deans into his asscheek. Slowly his rants and violent movements stopped.

"What was that?!" Sam demanded of the doctor.

"Calm down, Son. It's just a sedative, to keep him from hurting himself. He will be fine when he wakes up."

Sam heaved a huge sigh.

"Do you know what he was talking about? Demons?"

"Uh...yeah kinda. Our dad was really into that stuff. He uh, liked to drink and talk about it." Sam felt awful throwing their father under the bus but felt it was Dean's best chance at not being thrown in a psych ward.

"It could be anything from simple confusion to brain damage from the hit to his head. Hopefully over time it will fade."

XVX

Sam resumed his vigil at his brother's bedside. When no one was in and out of their room he kept the door shut, hoping if his brother did have another episode no one else would see it. He was the only one who would be able to calm his stricken brother down.

XVX

It wasn't until the next evening that Dean escaped his drug induced haze. Again he woke muttering his brother's name, needed to know he was safe.

"Hey, Dean. You're okay. We're in the hospital still."

"Demons?" Dean whispered, voice less raspy than it had been.

"No. No demons. Just nurses and doctors. You hit your head. Do you remember?"

"Just demons. Everywhere, even you Sammy."

"I'm not a demon, Dean. No one here is."

"Did you check?"

"No but they are trying to heal you nit hurt you."

"Need salt…devils trap."

"Dean, we are safe here."

"Devils trap!" Dean was beginning to get agitated.

"Will you calm down if I make one?"

Dean relaxed some in his bed. Sam sighed as he set about making a devils trap by the door. He had no clue how he would explain that to the doctors. He found a black marker attached the chart on the bed. Once it was completed he returned to his brother's side.

"You're safe now."

A small smile crossed Deans face as he drifted back to sleep.

XVX

Sam was asleep when he awoke to a shriek. He jumped out of bed, darting to his brother's side. Dean was thrashing his head back and forth, hands beating against the mattress, one of his IV's had been ripped out, rivulets of blood ran down his arm.

"Dean!" Sam barked trying to catch his attention. It didn't work. Deans fit continued. His screams vibrated through the closed door and down the hall. Minutes later it was loud enough to catch nurse's attention.

Three women darted in the door. Each one began checking a different IV or machine. Despite the devils trap proving they were not possessed Dean began screaming again.

"LEVIATHAN! Sam they're leviathan get the soap! Need a machete!"

The poor nurses did their best to manage their mentally unstable patient but in the end the doctor made the decision to move him to a secure psych ward. Sam watched, defeated, as they strapped Dean to a gurney for his move. Dean's screams bounced back to Sam's ears until he was in the closed elevator.

XVX

Sam was left in the room, alone. He collapsed back into the impossibly uncomfortable chair behind him. Hiding his face in his hands, he cried. He wasn't sure if he was crying from relief that Dean would finally get some help or fear that he would never be the same again. Sam wept until he was too exhausted to continue and crawled into bed. He fell into a fitful sleep. Each time he awoke it settled over him again that Dean had finally snapped. A physical depressed seemed to staking its claim in Sam.

XVX

It wasn't until the next day that the nurses were able to give him any update on his brother's condition. They had sedated him again and were able to take a new set of x-rays. These showed that the swelling in his brain had gone down. It was a small relief because now they had no reason for the outbursts besides a man gone mad. Sam was told if his brother was calm he would be able to visit him later in the day, but they would be monitored.

XVX

The minutes seemed to creep by as Sam waited for the word he could see Dean. Finally about 4Pm he was informed he could have a short visit. He was still required by his nurse to travel by wheelchair. By now he was more than capable of walking without any issues but he readily agreed if it meant seeing Dean.

The psych ward was up two floors from Sam's own room. Immediately after exiting the elevator there is a locked door guarded by a large bored looking man. The nurse with Sam flashed her ID badge and signed them both in. He was pushed down a maze of halls before he glided to stop in front of what he guessed was Deans room. The door was shut and locked but the door next to it was ajar. Inside Sam saw a dull metal table and chairs. In the wall there was a window that Sam assumed to be a two way mirror. He remembered that he was going to be supervised during the visit.

Sam nervously wheeled himself into the room once the door was unlocked. It shut behind him with a final click. Dean lie across the bed, glassy eyes looking at nothing.

"Dean?" Sam spoke softly to avoid scaring his drugged up brother. Dean's head lolled to the side, in the direction of Sam's voice. A stoner smile crept across his face.

"Hey, Sammy." His words lilted slightly.

"How are you doing?" Sam asked as he walked across the small room. He perched himself at the foot of the bed.

"I'm good." Dean's tone was nearly monotone with a slight happy rise to it, probably the drugs Sam assumed. "I missed you, man. Where ya been?" As he talked, he moved his body very little, mostly just random swings of his arms.

"I've been here. Do you know where you are?"

"In a happy place."

"You don't remember the fight?" Sam chose his words carefully, not wanting to give too much away to whoever was watching them. It was an eerie feeling, knowing some invisible person could see them.

"I remember demons, but we're safe now, Sammy."

For most of their visit Dean talked of demons and leviathan but remained calm and even happy sounding. Sam was a little less concerned now that is brother wasn't going to hurt anyone.

It was dark by the time Sam left his brother's room to return to his own. On the trip back down, he asked the nurse about the drugs Dean was on. She rattled off a few common meds that were commonly used. All would have the effects he was seeing in his brother. The nurse assured him that Dean was in capable hands and would be slowly weaned off the drugs and into therapy until he was well enough to be released.

XVX

Sam was released the next afternoon, as his injuries were much less severe than his brothers. His cuts and bruises were healing well and somehow nothing had been broken.

He was not going anywhere without Dean so he checked into a nearby motel. It was within walking distance as he did not know where the keys or even the impala were. After collecting his belongings and discharge papers, Sam visited his brother for a few minutes before making the short walk to his motel room.

Dean seemed to bed less medicated today. Maybe it was just because he was sitting up this time or maybe it was that he was out of his room. Either way Sam was glad to see his brother looking better.

XVX

Dean sort of remembered Sam's second visit, unlike the first. They sat in the day room at dull, beat up, blue plastic tables and chairs. They talked for a while, mostly about their attack. Dean was remembering more and more of that day. In hushed tones he asked of the demons who attacked them. Sam had no new information. Stuck in the hospital with no access to his laptop, he has been unable to do any research.

"Dean, we don't even know where your car is!" normally those words would throw dean into a panic about his baby but today he was still too drugged up to care.

"Oh, I wonder where the keys are." Dean muttered. Sam's jaw fell open.

"You don't have the keys?!"

"Nope. They took them away. I'm a danger to myself and others. You should know that, Sammy." Dean repeated calmly back to his brother. "You should probably go so I don't hurt you." A worried look crossed his face.

The rest of the visit Dean seemed more agitated. He couldn't get it out of his head that he might hurt Sam. He pushed for his brother to leave. Finally Sam caved, telling his brother he would call him later.

Before he left the hospital, Sam returned to the floor where he and Dean had been. He found the nurses station down the hall from the room. Using his puppy dog eyes and charm he was able to get the keys to the impala along with Dean's necklace and ring he never took off.

Dean relaxed as soon as Sam was out of the locked ward. He knew he was a danger and had to protect his little brother. His thoughts were still kinda fuzzy from all the drugs, he wasn't sure how he was a danger just yet but he was sure that he was. Dean meandered the halls back to his room. He wasn't allowed to have much but it was his own private space where he could try and think a bit more clearly.

XVX

Dean had fallen asleep sometime after Sam's visit. He was awakened by a nurse he hadn't seen before.

"Wha—what?" Dean mumbled, drool coating his chin. He lazily wiped it away as the nurse informed him it was time for group.

"Group?" Still confused.

"Yes, you are well enough to participate now." The nurse chirped too happily.

Dean moved slowly from the bed, still not fully awake and preferring not to go to any sort of group. Despite all the drugs he knew it was not his way to talk about his feelings. 'No chick flick moments' it was a core part of his being.

Group consisted of several men in varying states of alertness but all dressed in the same drab grey blue hospital shirts and pants. The too happy nurse sat against the wall with another mousy looking nurse. The men all sat in a circle with the therapist. She had fire red hair pulled up in a loose bun and a sleek silver suit on.

Dean's eyes wandered around the room as she talked. He paid no attention until all eyes were on him.

"Uh...hi" He raised his hand in a halfhearted wave.

"HI there, why don't you introduce yourself as you're new to our group?" The therapist spoke.

"I'm Dean, I'm 32. I like long walks on the beach and hunting with my brother."

"That's interesting. Why did you choose to respond that way?"

"I uh I'm not sure. I think I said it before." Dean hand went to the back of his head, messing his hair even more, a nervous habit.

"Tell me about this hunting with your brother?"

"Um, it's the family business. We protect people from monsters."

The woman nodded but asked no further questions. She moved onto the next person. Dean zoned out again.

XVX

This became pattern for the next few groups until the therapist assigned them each homework. They were to keep a journal of their thoughts and feelings. Dean rolled his eyes at the idea. Notepads and pencils were passed around the circle.

Dean's mind was still a mess from the hit to his head and all the meds he had taken. He decided to use his as a way to work through his memories. The first thing he wrote in it was the attack that had ended with him in the hospital.

 _Demon hunt. Ambushed. Whole bunch of black eyed bitches. Sammy went down. Had to help him. Gotta protect Sammy. Always. Hit my head. Blacked out. Woke up in hospital. Leviathan everywhere._

He had no idea what day it was or how long he had been in the hospital for so de didn't bother with any heading, just skipped a line in between each days writing. A lot the past few years had been erased from the hit to his head. He remembered Sam out of pure stubbornness.

 _Miss Sammy. Sammy went home. Not crazy. Hope he is okay. Need to know._

 _Don't know where Leviathan are. Need to call bobby. How to find them. Kill them._

 _Why is my head so fuzzy? Can't remember anything._

 _Dad went on a hunting trip and never came back._

 _Mark of Cain._

 _Crowley backstabbing son of a bitch._

 _Knights of hell. Abaddon. Looks like therapist. Didn't kill her?_

 _Charlie. Who is she? Miss her._

 _Kevin Tran. AP student. Next US president. Prophet of the lord. Gadreel possessed Sam. Killed him_

 _Gadreel dead? Needs to find him._

 _Metatron. Stole Cas' grace. Bag of dicks._

 _Where is Cas? I miss him._

 _Sam married._

 _Sam dead._

 _Sam possessed._

 _Lucifer wore Sam to the prom._

 _Lucifer back in the cage._

 _Angels fell. Metatron used Cas._

 _Anna tried to kill Cas._

 _Who is Cas? I miss him._

 _Cas is dead._

 _My angel is gone. Never told him._

 _So blind._

Over the next month the entries moved back and forth between an amnesia patient's memory loss and what the therapist believed to be a mad man's rants. Over time the name Cas appeared more and more. Each time followed by who is he or I miss him.

XVX

The last entry Dean ever made in his journal started with 'Cas is gone. My angel has died.' Once that memory came back Dean refused to move from bed for days. He wouldn't go to group unless carried there. He did not even want to eat. Depression hit him hard. He finally remembered who Cas was and decided he did not want to live without him.

The nurses grew worried so they called Sam in to try and reason with his brother. Once informed of the situation Sam came in immediately.

"Dean?" Sam spoke softly, not wanting to disturb his brother if he was asleep.

"Sammy" Dean sighed and sat up.

"Hey, Dean. What's goin on? The nurses called me. They're worried about you."

"Cas is gone." Dean buried his face in his hands and sobbed, noisy messy tears. Sam grabbed his brother and held him close until the tears slowed.

"Dean, Cas has been gone for a while. You just wouldn't accept it. Hell, you threatened to break my face if I tried to talk to you about it."

"I'm sorry, Sammy. I miss him so much."

"I know. I do, too."

"Maybe that's why you kinda lost it when we got here?"

"Yeah, maybe."

"Do you think I can go home soon? I wanna go back to work."

"It's up to them, man, but I hope so. It's weird, you not being around."

XVX

Over the next week Dean did his best to act normal. He couldn't wait to get the hell outta that hospital. He had his breakdown, he could remember it all now and needed a hunt to get himself back on track.

At one of his last group meetings, he was asked to write a letter to Cas. It was the las thing he wanted to do but if it mean getting out, he would do what they asked. I was so hard for him to put those words to paper, to even think those words. The paper was nearly worn though from erasing and rewriting it so many times.

 _My angel,_

 _Cas, there was something I never go to tell you. Somewhere between profound bond and the betrayals I never found the time to tell you something. It's been there since that godforsaken day you walked into that barn. You were a mystery to me, one I was determined to destroy. Yet here we are years later and its something else that took you out. In the end the only thing that kept us from being more was me. I know you felt the same, Cas. There was always signs. But I was too chicken shit to say anything because everything I care about leaves. I'm in this fuckin loony bin and you're not here just proves my point. I can't handle not seeing you anymore. It hurts so fuckin much, Cas. You leaving has always been the so painful. Even now it's hard to say...writing it makes it...real. I'm still not ready to make this real…you're gone and I still can't handle this but here goes…you've done what no one else could Castiel. You made a faithless man pray. You made a godless man believe in angels. And most of all you made a stubbornly (fake) emotionless man fall in love. I love you, Cas and id give anything to say this in person. You're it for me and now I will never know what it could've been, but I'm grateful for what we did have. Good and bad._

 _Your hunter._


End file.
